Benjamin Zephaniah

01/04/2009

Writer and dub poet

If I knew then..What would you say to your 16-year-old self if you could go back in time? We ask another well known celebrity to offer their younger self some words of wisdom.

At 16 I’d just left Borstal in Birmingham. I was a very angry young man who hated Babylon and anything in a uniform. I was sleeping in various girlfriends’ places. Every now and again I’d visit my mum and she was very worried about me. I was a bit of a renegade. I was robbing houses for a living, partying every night – at the time it felt like a great life.

Deep inside me even then part of me already wanted to be a poet but I kept it quiet. The word ‘poet’ conjured up images of dead white men – we said ‘toasters’ or ‘MCs’ instead.  But when I heard poetry I loved it and thought, that’s what I want to do. So when guns started appearing on the streets I decided to move to London and try to be a poet.

I would say to that 16 year old kid, I know you’re dyslexic and it’s hard, but try to read more. I’d say don’t be ashamed, don’t be shy of it, bring poetry into your life.  I remember going to rob houses and stopping to look at what books were on the shelves – wow, they read Shelley! When I moved to London I lied to people and said I was a novelist, I didn’t feel prepared for that scene.

I ended up having my real education at a bookshop  in London. Page One Books had a grant to publish new voices and they agreed to publish me if I joined their co-op. A collection of lesbian feminists, straight feminists, Marxists and Irish Republicans were my teachers and they introduced me to so many writers and also new ways of thinking and asking questions. They made me self aware.

I tell you what I do like about the teenage Benjamin – his life is so spontaneous. He could just move around the country so easily. I don’t have that freedom now – though I don’t have a mortgage I have a house, a recording studio, six computers. I remember when I stayed with my girlfriends, I always slept nearest the exit so that when the police came in I was straight out of there. And that did happen!

I used to be very violent towards women just like my dad was to my mum. I could never do that now. If I saw a man lay a hand on a woman I’d go for him. I once deliberately dragged a girl a few yards along the road after trapping her hair in the car door. Many years later I met up with her again and apologised. She said she could never fancy me now, I wasn’t a real man any more, I’d listened to too many white liberals. It made me realise how far I’d come and how much some women still lack confidence in their own gender.

I’d tell my younger self that he should prepare for living much longer than he expects. I assumed I wouldn’t make my thirties because of my lifestyle and the people around me. When I was younger I went around with much older people. Now I spend time with much younger people. It might be because I’ve never had children and adopted the conservative concerns parents do and somehow that helps me connect directly with young people. I’m honest with them, I don’t cover up my own past, and I don’t preach to them.

I think I made one big mistake with my marriage. My wife was very young and I gave her an ultimatum – either marry me now or I won’t mention it again for five years.  That was probably a mistake, putting on that pressure. We hardly ever argued – I just came home one day and she was gone. Maybe if we’d argued I would have seen things coming a bit better.

My biggest fear is growing old alone and it’s happening to me now. I think it’s unnatural – it’s not good for your mental health. We are pack animals, we like to be attached, to groom each other, to protect each other. And once or twice a year at least I like to have sex. I get groupies and they say they love you but they don’t really care about you. That can feel lonely.

Interview: Jane Graham